The Diary of a Nouveau Soccer Mom: Army Tales: Critters, the Sequel

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Army Tales: Critters, the Sequel

(When Shaun was retraining two summers ago, I kept a private blog/journal of thoughts, figuring someday, I'd figure out what I wanted to do with it. I'm still not sure what I want to do with it, but some of the stories are too funny to not share, so I'll be posting them here sporadically. Most begin with excerpts from my letters/emails to him, followed by the whole story. It was a long 4 months. Trust me.

Just recently, I found the file where I kept that journal, so adding them here, again.)

Dear Babe:

If the freaking crawdad in the pool back in June wasn't enough, today I found a lizard in the foyer. Yes, a creepy crawly lizard. And no, contrary to the opinion of everyone else who has heard this story, I fail to see how they benefit me by eating spiders. At least I can kill spiders by smacking them with a shoe. Lizards run fast.

I'm beginning to think we live in a zoo. How much longer are you gone for???

Love, Me


PS: Attachment is not the lizard I found, but close enough.  ICK!


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Two months after the crawdad incident, I think I finally discovered that there is something worse than a crawdad in one's swimming pool. That would be a lizard in one's foyer.

Lizards are ugly, lizards are quick, and, unlike the crawdad, this lizard was in my HOUSE!

And yes, I know that lizards help the world by eating the big, scary Texas spiders, and I'm good with that. As long as they eat the big, scary Texas spiders while not in my house. If they stay outside, in the yard, where they belong, I will happily leave them alone. However, once in the house, it's personal.

This lizard was discovered in the course of vacuuming. I asked the boy to move his bicycle and scooter aside so I could vacuum the foyer. He move the bicycle back slightly when the lizard came running out. And the boy left very very quickly. Unfortunately for me, my son is not the kind of boy fascinated by bugs and lizards, which meant I had to deal with little Mr. Lizard on my own.

Of course, I had nothing to hit the lizard with and the boy wasn't going to be any help, but I did have a vacuum. This is how I learned how fast lizards really are--they are fast enough to outrun the suction of the vacuum cleaner as you chase them around the foyer. Finally, lizard ended up in a corner with the vacuum and the Dyson won.

This, however, left me with a new problem. The lizard was in my vacuum cleaner. I turned to Ben who took no time at all to tell me he wasn't going to help with lizard removal. I suggested that it was a "boy job" and he informed me that it most certainly was not, but I could ask his sister. Faith rolled her eyes at this suggestion. My Facebook friends suggested just buying a new vacuum, which was the best idea I had heard at that point.

But Dysons are expensive, and I was pretty sure the lizard was dead, so I had to find a way to make this work. I dragged the vacuum and several Target bags to the back patio, hooked the bags up to the fencing so I wouldn't have to touch them, unhooked the canister on the vacuum, put it in the bags and pressed the release button.

The canister emptied, I dropped it and quickly tied the Target bag shut. And then I put that bag in another Target bag and tied that shut too. And then I put that bag into a third Target bag and tied it shut.  And then I put the bag in my garbage bin and moved the bin out of my garage, because lizards might be wily enough creatures to somehow survive a vacuum, three bags, a bin, and be able to get back in my house.

I am seriously counting down the days till my husband gets home. This is way beyond my call of duty.

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